She’ll Ransack More than Pakistan
So I was sitting back the other night, enjoying a quick beer and a New Jersey Devils' hockey game when I got to thinking.... damn... I'm really lonely. This happens from time to time. Many of you are probably thinking to yourself, "Hobart, you so fly, you couldn't possibly get lonely on a weekend evening." But, loyal reader, I do. Much like a cleanup hitter finds himself in a slump midway into the season... or a woman finds herself "cranky" for one week out of four... I too suffer from "cycles." My cycles don't last long... maybe a good fourteen hours or so... but they have been the catalyst of some of my greatest thinking: Major League Card Tossing... a detailed blueprint and outline of a device that can capture a spook, specter, or ghost... a New York Football Giants Superbowl victory (HOLLAA!!!)... and, of course, what video game women I'd most like to have a "relationship" with.
Now... perhaps some of you immediately think about Lara Croft. Ok. She's cool. She's rich. She's got that sexy accent, the killer breasts and she kicks major ass... but... I’m not convinced that she’s exactly what everyone is looking for. Others may go for the wholesome approach and think about Princess Peach. She's meek, easy to control and keep captive. She has the sweetest little voice, wears silky white gloves (ooooo) and she bakes cakes that can’t possibly be described with words. Both of these women are EXCELLENT choices and I’d be hard pressed to knock a brother down for making these selections. But, if you really sit down and think deeply… you may come up with, what I feel, is the true answer to this virtual conundrum: Carmen Sandiego.
Oh my God... what a saucy babe.
You are probably thinking I'm a bit off my rocker... but I assure you that I’ve clearly thought this out completely. What first intrigued me about Carmen was her eagerness to hide her identity: The large red fedora; the oversized flowing trench coat; the way her cute little face peeked from under the shadows just enough that you could see her lips traced in bright red lipstick. Initially you never could see those eyes of hers. Where is she looking? What does she want? That smirk... ooohhhhh that smirk.... is she smirking at me? Is she THINKING about smirking about me?! Her mystique proudly added to her sex appeal. Did I mention how much of a tease she is? In the game you never knew what villain you were about to chase until a warrant was achieved. You’d go on for hours… cases… visiting country by country. City by city. When would you find her? When would she finally pop up in that hot little red corvette of hers?
"Yeah baby... you want me to get a warrant for your arrest huh? Is that what you want? You want this warrant so I can come out and find you? Oh no... you don't flee to Atlanta Georgia... mmmm... no you don't! I'll follow you... yeah I'll follow you all over the WORLD."
I never felt completely like the gumshoe I was supposed to assume. I felt like a voyeur... secretly watching and waiting for her next move. I hoped it was Carmen. I prayed that my prey was Carmen. Because if it was.... ecstasy was soon to follow!
Thing is, when I was a kid, all I wanted to do was capture poor Carmen. Nowadays, I want to find her so that I can ask her out. I want to get to know her, understand her wants, her hopes, her dreams. Many of my ex-girlfriends told me frequently that I never listened. Oh, I’d listen to my little CSD (my nickname for her). With my new listening abilities, we'd hit it off at first after a light cocktail and long evening. We’d date a few times and I’d make her pay and once we became an item... the real fun would begin.
Am I hankering for a beautiful brunch in Belize? She would make it so.
What about a pleasant picnic in Perth? "Done," she'd say. Perhaps we'd catch the next train from Milan to Amsterdam... or maybe a meal in Mekong? How I've longed for a fortnight in Azerbaijan, a rendezvous in Rio, a seaside scandal on the Antartic! My lady would grant me these wishes and more! Who needs castles in the Mushroom Kingdom when my woman would provide me the Taj Mahal. Yes... the whole Taj Mahal. Her penchant for exotic locations is only superceded by her ability to procure some of the greatest items and structures of the world. The Eifle Tower... the Washington Monument... the pyramids in Egypt... the Empire State Building... every long, erect, tall structure found around the world could be mine for the taking! How does she get that leaning tower of Pisa out of Italy?! I have my ideas! MEOW! (Note: I wish you could hear me say that because, believe me, it's a LOT creepier than it reads.)
Yes, CSD and I would truly be a match made in heaven… or… somewhere that she could easily get us to. And, what’d be even more impressive about our little fling… it wouldn’t be about the sex. Nope. Not even in the least. That thin frame hidden deep within that trench does nothing for me. Nope. Those hot red pumps are nothing to bat an eye over. Nope. Her craving for the world’s greatest phalluses… uh… wow….. um….
…hey… at least we both like folk music.
Carmen Sandiego gets 1337 inches out of a possible 1337 to measure her amazingness by.