The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a movie about the coward, Robert Ford, assassinating Jesse James. I think my biggest gripe with this movie was that Jesse James dies in the end. Oh, did I ruin it for you? Then don't watch it, cause it sucks anyway. Also, if you're too stupid to realize that Jesse James dies from the title, then you might want to stick to Hannah Montana movies. Hey! Her recent one is getting 94% fresh at rottentomatoes! What a sad commentary on America's youth. Is it that difficult to just be obsessed with G.I. Joes and Transformers? Well, until they butchered Transformers with that horrendous Michael Bay movie, anyway. At least I've still got G.I. Joe. Oh? What's that you say? They're castrating more of my childhood memories by turning that into a movie as well? Thanks, Hollywood. Back to The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. The story focuses on Robert Ford, played by the cowardly Casey Affleck. His performance was pretty solid, but I just didn't care about him. Then there's the assassinated Jesse James, the cutest James brother, who was played by Brad Pitt and was oh so dreamy, as always. Brad just took the role and ran with it, putting in cute little nuances into the character and little quips that are obvious shoutouts to me. Like the way he pistol whips that guy! I love you, too, Brad! Moving on, Sam Rockwell was phenomenal, as always, as the coward's brother, Charley. He is one of the most underrated actors of our time. Yet apparently not interesting enough for me to continue talking about him. All the other characters I don't really remember, so who gives a shit. So TAoJJbtCRF, which just happens to be the molecular make up of the Colonel's secret ingredient, starts out with a narrator talking about the James gang. Remember all those boring history films you had to watch in high school? The ones you slept through? Yeah, this narrator makes the guy that narrated those films seem like Matthew Lesko, the question mark guy:
If I wanted an oral recitation of the history of the James gang, I would've bought an audiobook. Since I'm on the topic of ears being raped, who made the soundtrack to this film? It's about as slow and pedantic as the soundtrack to Babel. Pedantic? Yeah. It's the new "it" word. I saw two blogs use it today! Ugh. Babel. Do I really need to know that the whole reason that a Japanese girl can't get laid is because a little Moroccan boy on the other side of the world was caught masturbating while looking at his sister? Apparently my subconscious was aching for some little boys jerkin the jerky cause it reached out to the collective consciousness and had me watch The Squid and the Whale the very next day. In this indie film, a little boy masturbates in a library and then cleans his hands by spreading his seed on a row of books. I get it, film auteurs, little boys masturbate. I no longer trust anything I read at IGN.com. Seriously, though, The Squid and the Whale should be the poster movie for libraries. It's all about how books destroy lives.
After the beginning narration, TAoJJbtCRF introduces the main characters set up in a camp. Are they having a family outing for some old fashioned bonding? Yes. The best way possible, by robbing a train. Finally! Some action! Pop pop, fizz fizz.... what? The guns sound like cap guns and everything goes smoothly and as planned. Well that was uneventful...what's next? Oooh! More narration! YES!
Now, at this point I've had about six glasses of scotch and I turn to my friend and say "how in the world could they make a western this freaking boring?" Although I used much more colorful language than that, of course. So, I actually said "how in the world could they make a western this freaking boring?" Damn your peripheral vision, reader! You saw that pun coming a mile away! So both of us being fed up after only 30 minutes of this two hour and forty minute snooze fest, I shut it off and put in 3:10 to Yuma. Now that is an awesome western!
I give "The Assassination of Holy Balls, Who Thought It Was A Good Idea To Give A Movie This Long of a Title," 2 vigorously masturbating little boys out of a six shooting cap gun. The only reason it didn't get a 1 was because I was able to turn it off, and there weren't any 'rubbing the rawhide raw' scenes in the thirty minutes I saw of it.