Amy Winehouse: Not a man...
Medical experts have finally agreed after much consideration that popular British singer Amy Winehouse is not a man. A cross section of England's finest medical minds have been holed up in London for months in order to better determine the species and gender of Amy Winehouse. One expert was shocked to discover that Amy was not a man, and has said that he cannot yet elaborate on further findings but let slip that Amy "may be some sort of old sheep or perhaps a very emaciated donkey." When asked for more information one English physician stated that Ms. Winehouse "is most definitely a female of some sort." These brave men have spent many uncomfortable hours listening to her albums, looking over photos, studying tabloid coverage and live concert footage of Amy and have said that looking upon her face all day everyday has definitely taken it's toll. One man was hospitalized after listening to hours of her music when he jammed two sharp pencils in his ears and leaped from the center's balcony screaming "There is no God" as he headed for the asphalt below. He was treated for broken ribs, bruises and lacerations and was thankful when doctors passed him a note stating that he would never hear again. Another member of the thinktank who was put in charge of classifying her species had to spend several days staring at recent pictures of Madonna just to calm his nerves when faced with the task of cataloging Amy Winehouse photos.
A report on their final findings is still forthcoming but I would not hold my breath, these men of science are only human and cannot possibly carry this project to it's horrifying end. So many questions remain- Who is Amy Winehouse? If I continue to look at her can I still have kids? If the paper says she's 24, why does she look like she's 50? What is she? Who are her fans? Is she ever sober? Donkey or sheep? and lastly: Why does she make that horrible noise every time she's on stage?
We may never know the answers to these mysteries, it may be beyond our understanding. Perhaps we are looking at this all wrong, perhaps we are overlooking the positive. Perhaps we should be more supportive, because if a drunken, mangy old she-donkey can escape from some underground laboratory learn to talk and go on to overrated, Grammy winning success then any of us can succeed in this modern world. Amy Winehouse we salute you!