Harry Potter, It's hard out there for a pimp
I sat down earlier this week to enjoy, I mean re-enjoy (it's a word), the latest Harry P. movie. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is allegedly the final film in this sometimes tedious series, and like all Harry P. movies it is pregnant with monsters, magic and a ridiculous amount of special effects. In the past I have enjoyed these movies and their themes, Harry is a humble young man who by fate has been robbed of his parents and forced to live with some real bottom feeders who also happen to be relation. He gets a rare shot to attend Hogwarts and is given a new lease on life and some new friends to hang with. This is all good so far, sprinkle in some wacky teachers, a big-hearted giant of a groundskeeper, rare mythical critters, and of course, "he who should not be named," and you have a grand formula! Harry, I'm with you so far... here is where you lose me a little bit-- After four or five tough years at Hogwarts and more than a handful of dramatic magic victories over various deadly beasts, corrupt instructors, and a few tedious stand-offs with you know who, how come Harry gets no love? This is asking a great deal of viewers to believe that a young man with powers above and beyond most others at Hogwarts, who has battled dragons, Dementors and the prince of darkness, is going to continue to be shat upon by classmates, professors and ANYONE who has ever seen him do his thang...
What kind of crap does a honky gotta do to get some respect at this dump? What is Hogwarts - some kind of special school that teaches the ancient English art of supreme douchebaggery? The man has PUBLICLY defeated three dragons, uncovered many in-school conspiracies and has thrice faced big V (not even counting the first). He has saved the school on occasion, saved classmates as well, and has proved himself to be somewhat of a wand-wielding badass. Yet he returns to Hogwarts after another summer in the suburbs with his sumo wrestler of an uncle and his prune-faced aunt, and is treated like poop including young female classmates who won't touch him with a ten-foot wand. This is fucking ridiculous! Here in America, if you do any ONE of these things, we would carry you around on a golden chair for life and an army of female classmates would be all over ya. After saving everyone's asses so many times, you could probably "test out" of some 100-level classes and have your own killer bachelor pad on campus, not to mention an expense account and a personal driver. But no, Harry still has trouble "fitting in" and the only friends he makes are the nerd girl with a stick up her ass and a mildly retarded red-haired dude whose parents are clearly dirty breeders.
As the years drag on, Harry does even more awesome shit. He not only continues to do battle with Voldemort, but also has to contend with his "Deatheaters," grotesque henchmen and rabid worshipers. He makes enemies somewhat of the Ministry of Magic (this institution apparently has the platinum assholes) and has to continually explain why he had to save many teachers, classmates and friends and stop all of our ultimate destruction by using magic. Am I missing something here? Hogwarts teaches a class called "defense against the dark arts," a class dealing with most of the above mentioned crap. He learned this at school and yet they have the balls to question its very use. All of these amazing triumphs are well known by Hogwarts faculty, yet they see it fit to continue dumping on Harry, behaving like all around twats and treating him like a charity case. Somebody should remind them that the first time Harry went one on one with Voldemort and walked away Harry wasn't even on solid food yet. That's right; Harry did all this wearing Huggies and a onesie. The amazing thing is, some of this stuff is known by all and it doesn't move anyone to worship Harry as the superhero he is. What does Harry have to do to get a break with these people? Publicly kill Voldemort and rip out his still beating heart and eat it for all to see? Then I suppose he would put on Voldemort's skin 'cuz it gets chilly in the country, wipe his bloody mouth with his Hogwarts cardigan and grab some groupies and head back to his penthouse for some serious drinking. That would be sweet, any actual acknowledgement of any of the above mentioned acts would be sweet, but alas, we have yet to see it. Damn, it's hard out there for a pimp....