Saint Patty's Day Survival Guide
The following is a list of things every Irish-American, or any wannabe should have prior to enjoying St Patrick's day festivities:
1. Rubber or vinyl clothing- Not the skin tight streetwalker kind...just normal clothing, you know, t shirts or jeans that just happen to be made from a moisture repellent or moisture proof material. Let's face it, there is gonna be spills and these spills will be of a beer and liquor kind. There will most likely be vomit too, yours or theirs..I can't say. Vomit comes off vinyl with one easy wipe!
Depending on the level of your Irish-Americaness there may also be pee..so look into shoes and socks made from a similar material this covers you in the event of a self pissing or the dreaded unsolicited pissing from another holiday enthusiast.
2. Transportation back up plan- You are Irish or just behaving like one of these creatures so don't drive your dumb-ass to the bar or pub or brothel or wherever Irish people celebrate.
Yes you could take a taxi and pay the high fare and backseat cleaning deposit (see vomit and pissing above) but I declare that this trend is boring and old and unoriginal. Instead ride a bicycle, preferably your younger sister's or perhaps your daughter's. This is a great way to to not get a DUI, get some needed exercise and be seen on a day-glo pink bike with flower basket and tassels et al. For this application a horse works well also, it's manly and just may add some cowboy street cred. If you do not own a horse you should steal one because that's even more manly and Saint Patrick would have wanted it that way. Both of these suggestions are easy and cheap and really fucking funny to any bystander..plus I'm pretty sure no laws exist against drunk cycling or horseback riding (as for the horse rustling, you're on you're own).
3. Gauze- I think a ten-foot roll ought to do it. You are Irish now and probably half in the bag so you will most likely start a fight or finish one. Irish children are taught to box in the womb and are natural fighters so don't embarrass yourself when facing off against one of these full grown specimens. The chance for victory is slim so play dirty, I suggest eye-poking, biting and crotch-kicking..followed closely with running and screaming like a girl as you break out toward the horse you recently acquired. The bartender you assaulted may not appreciate that you tried to kick his ass and that you left without paying your tab but fuck it...it's a holiday. Upon arriving home and securing your horse you may now treat your various wounds with the above mentioned gauze...good luck cowboy!
4. Money..cash- Many drinks, rounds of drinks and horse feed will need to be purchased on this special night so don't be caught short. Drop by the bank and withdraw some funds, run by the blood bank and sell some blood or sell your body for a period in the weeks leading up to Saint Patrick's day...this is not manly but Saint Patrick would have wanted it this way. Don't be the broke guy at the bar on this festive occasion, you are Irish now so you will need approximately three to four thousand dollars to cover expenses. Do what you must to get the money...don't be a puss.
5. More money- When securing the funding for your Celtic adventure you should be mindful of consequences and remember to set aside a grand or so for bail money and other jail related costs. In some circumstances this money may be paid out in a special transaction to individual law enforcement agents to avoid jail altogether..I'll leave the details up to you.
6. A false sense of pride- Your wearin 'o' the green experience is almost at an end and soon you will sleep the sleep of the brewing angels and forget a lot of what has transpired on this holy night. The next day you will struggle to piece it all together and cling to details and you will have many questions- Where did all my money go? How many bars did I hit? How did I make it home? Why are my pants on backwards? Who pissed all over my new rubber shoes? etc. Now is the time to look around you, thank the confused strangers for their hospitality because they are good Christian people and you have unlawfully spent the night at their home. Don't let the truth slow you down, you may have made a drunken ass of yourself and perhaps had sex with a horse but you must look beyond this. You must dig deep, focus on your fratboy sense of awesomeness and pat yourself on the back, you did it cowboy you survived another Saint Patrick's day.
Congrats.