“Macro”soft
Are you kidding me? Are ya? ARE YA? You know Microsoft, that tiny little company in the great northwest that invented the blue screen… well they just offered Yahoo $44.6 billion dollars to own them too. Now it’s true, any of us would be glad to build a business and then become Microsoft’s bitch, this company has a history of turning small business owners with great ideas into newly retired multi-millionaires with no purpose in life but to sip Mai Tai’s on beaches and earn 12% interest rates.
Steve Ballmer, Microsoft’s CEO referred to their bid as the "next major milestone" in Microsoft’s future…. the next major milestone… this of course leads me to wonder if this is simply a milestone, what is the ultimate goal? Obviously global domination is too small an objective for a company such as this, so I seriously cringe to know what they intend to do once they own Yahoo… oh, and for those of you who don’t know who Steve Ballmer is, this is him at a Microsoft rally (pay special attention to his injury around 00:22):
Now let’s not kid ourselves here, this move is not a milestone so much as an attempt to corner the one piece of the electronic computing world that Microsoft does not dominate, the internet. Google is currently the number one search site on the internet, Microsoft used to be, USED to be. This move will instantly make them number two, and trust me; they won’t be satisfied with that. Poor little Google’s multibillionaire owners will now have to fend off the multibillionaires of Microsoft. I foresee a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game called “World of Internetcraft” with two factions. I see the game mechanics going something like this.
First you will have to choose a faction, the rampaging Microsoftonians, or the Hippy like Googlitarians. Once you choose a faction it will be time to choose male or female, most men will choose a female, but most females will also choose females. So there will be some male characters but mostly female characters… anyway, after choosing your virtual sexual orientation it is time to pick a class for your character, Hacker, Code Monkey, Human Resources Personnel, Desk Jockey or Stock Holder, with a hero class available, Charter Member. The breakdown will go something like this.
Hacker – Lurks in the shadows, capable of pulling off deadly sneak attacks, low health and tolerance for the sun, but only needs half the food to regenerate health points. Hackers are known for the brutality and hostility towards anyone not affiliated with them, and can unlock many special attacks on their way to the level cap.
Special Attack: Major Upgrades. All weapons attack at quadruple their normal damage for 1 minute.
Code Monkey – Most comfortable in small confined spaces, this class is a hybrid of the Code Monkey and Desk Jockey. Capable of high burst damage but lacks the stealth of the Hacker. Code Monkey’s come with their own pet toy that will assist in decimating their targets.
Special Attack: Hoot and Holler. A verbal assault on a passerby, renders the target dazed for 10 seconds, can only be countered by Human Resources Personnel SHL attack)
Human Resources Personnel – The Human Resources Personnel is the superior healing class in the game. Capable of settling all disputes and restoring health to 100% in a matter of seconds, the Human Resources Personnel is a valuable party member to any other class.
Special Attack: SHS (Sexual Harassment Lawsuit) An incredibly powerful attack, one might call it, the mother of all attacks. This attack is especially deadly to Code Monkey’s.
Desk Jockey – This rough and tough class can take tons of punishment and keep on coming back for more. If you want to last long in the fight for corporate domination, it’s always good to have a Desk Jockey or two in the party.
Special Attack: The Big Snap. The Desk Jockey goes into a rage and destroys everything in his/her path, lasts 30 seconds.
Stock Holder – This class motivates the other party members through the lure of “stock options” and “profit sharing”, but in the end all good companies know the IRS awards business that zero out their books every year.
Special Attack: Work Smarter, Not Harder: An inspiring song that motivates the party giving them all immunity for 10 seconds during which time attack and casting speeds are tripled, all party members except the Stock Holder die after the spells duration.
Charter Member – The hero class of the game, this class starts as one of the other classes and unlocks a special quest at level 60 after all criteria are met. Talk to the faction C.E.O. and complete a series of “special” quests to become a Charter Member. Charter Members get money at 10 times the amount of other classes but must do three special tasks a week for the C.E.O. or your account will be permanently deleted.
Special Attack: Insider Trade. This attack gives you 50,000 instant gold but has a 2% chance to land you in the enemies capital city flagged for PvP combat. If you die during this penalty your account will be suspended for 2 weeks.
Rant Rating: One Stock Option out of Five